14 posts tagged “life”

I don't feel especially wise, but I am 37, which in the online world is practically grandma status. I see a lot of people in their 20s struggling, and this is totally normal. I don't know anyone of my generation who didn't struggle through most of their 20s. The thing that grates on me about this general angst is that they (like myself, when younger) seem to think there's a place where things get settled. Where the uncertainty stops. Is it marriage? Children? That specific point in your career? When you hit 30? And sometimes, indeed, there are plateaus. You reach a level of success in your career or find a stable relationship or settle into a routine. And it feels right. And that is awesome.

But.
The bullshit.
And changes.
And uncertainty.
And confusion.
And self-doubt.
And anxiety.

Don't stop.
Ever.

I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's just life. The sooner and more fully you can accept uncertainty, the more likely you are to feel safe and calm, even as life happens to you. Because it will.

I sometimes bitch, whine, complain about how I'm confused or in debt or dissatisfied or disorganized or lonely or unfit or I drink too much. And while these things may be true, I'm working on them, and I really just moan because it makes me feel like my existence has some texture. The fact is, things are (for me) just fine. Not perfect, not wondrous, but functional and at least occasionally challenging.

I can complain about my own laziness and lack of will to get to the f---ing gym in the morning. But ho hum. And boo hoo. Who cares? I don't even care, much. I know that if I do workout I will feel exponentially better, but lying in bed is ok too. I'm not hurting anyone. It's a simple matter of choice, not some kind of moral imperative or personality disorder.

Likewise, not writing as much as I would like is as much a choice as it is a lack of time. It's not a character flaw and does not deserve self flaggelation. All I have to do is sit down and type once or twice a day. It doesn't even need to be good. And in fact, if I choose not to write, so what? There's no law. Yes I want to write. So I will write. The equation is simple.

The idea of productivity. It's something I think about a lot. No matter how much I do I feel that I could and should be doing more. I feel like anything that isn't goal-focused is a waste of time. So perhaps a goal should be "enjoy my day" - whatever that might mean. It seems that a long string of enjoyed days add up to a good life.

I'd love any input on my latest lemon zest post about figuring out how to not sell out and still make a good living... 

I'm going to make a bold assertion here and say that despite our individualism, everyone really wants the same things. Having done a lot of research on the subject of how to have a "good" life, here are the things I think you really really want.

1. Safety. Shelter from the elements. Protection from violence and disease and wild animals.
2. Love. To give and receive love is our most primitive instinct from birth.
3. Health. To have a strong, flexible, agile, and disease-free body and mind.
4. Community. A network of people we trust to be there if we are in need and vice versa.
5. Pleasure. We are wired by evolution to seek out sex and fatty foods and warmth. We have also learned to fabricate the feeling of pleasure using drugs, alcohol, etc.
6. Productivity/ Creativity/ Challenge. Everyone is happiest when they are making something good, be it soup or art or a scientific theory. "Human progress" is created by people constantly looking for new ideas, challenges, and making new things.
7. Meaning. Our curious little monkey brains like to explain things. Through philosophy, religion, spirituality, literature, science, art, and exploration we search for the layers of reality and truth. We never arrive there, but without the search it seems people become very unhappy.

I posit that if those seven things are present, it doesn't matter what you do for a living, or if you're single, or whether you own a car, or how much money you make. Take one away and everything gets off balance... and we try to replace the missing thing with something that doesn't really work.

Actually, writing the novel started out easy. Ideas were flowing and writing was effortless. Now I'm getting into the weeds where I have some idea of where I want the plot(s) to go, but a lot of words to put down in order to get there, and my brain is getting tired of thinking of words. It prefers to go back to reading novels. So I have to push myself to keep going. I've lost a bit of momentum this week, but I think once I settle into a steady rhythm it will not feel so difficult.

Part of the problem is figuring out how to balance my time. I have not gotten to the gym this week like I said I would, mainly because it is so fucking hard to pull myself out of my cozy bed at 6AM when it's dark and rainy and cold. When I finally manage to propel myself into the day it is usually after 7:30 and I barely have time to eat breakfast and shower and get to work at a reasonable hour. Which totally defeats the purpose of going to bed at 10.

And then there's "having a life" - spending time with friends and family and going out. Not to mention having a Love Life... which I won't mention. There are some inevitable holidays coming up, including my THIRTY-SEVENTH birthday two weeks from today. I'm throwing myself a potluck dinner on the 22nd, so if you live in the Seattle area and would like to join the festivities - PM me. Then Thanksgiving in Auburn the next week and December hoo-ha after that. Maybe going to Idaho for Christmas, even though it's not my favorite time of year over there. Last year Coeur d'Alene was named one of "America's Top Ten Christmas Cities" by Good Morning America... whatever that means! Maybe I should go enjoy a White Christmas (and I don't mean snow) and see what all the fuss is about. I have gone back for Christmas exactly twice since I moved to Seattle 18 years ago, but now the place is teeming with celebrities and gazillionaires. Plus, Grandpa Frank is definitely not getting any younger.

That said, in order to do this writing thing, I really need to sequester myself. Having said "life" distracts me and uses up my precious time and energy. Having connections and relationships is important, but writing - like any kind of individual creative process - is an isolated activity. And doubly unfortunately I also have to keep my day job... which is a stressful job that uses up more time and energy than anything else in my life, and it now involves writing too. So at work I'm writing web content and proposals and press releases, and then I come home and try to switch to my own voice again. Writing in marketing-speak is somewhat soul-destroying, but I would rather do it than not have any substance to my work. And I do like my job, as jobs go it's probably the best one I've had. I'm also grateful to be employed at a time when that is becoming a rare state in this country.

I am slowly making progress on my apartment. Today, between writing stints, I will be cleaning out my giant closet and preparing cds to sell and items to post on ebay. I will also be reorganizing my "office" storage boxes. One day I hope to have a Sunday when I can just lie around without feeling like I'm getting behind on something.

I'm angry that I can't seem to get up early in the morning. I'm angry that I compromise certain values in order to get a paycheck. I'm angry that we live in the richest country in the world and not everyone in it has access to health care or shelter. I'm angry that I don't spend more time writing and creating.  I'm angry about my slobbish tendencies. I'm angry that I had to deal with an insane amount of stress as a child and never got to really enjoy my life when I was young.  I'm angry that people are stupid enough to believe that off-shore drilling is a reasonable solution to the "energy crisis." I'm angry that I did not get out of work early enough to go to yoga. I'm angry that I am once again dealing with the the world's most ridiculous mega-corporation and have to try to kiss ass enough not to get us kicked off the project. Basically, I'm pissed off.

And yet I can laugh at it all.  Because what is life if not FUNNY?

There are a lot of life satisfaction measurement tools, and most of them are fine in a broad, general way.  But I'm not a general broad.  So I've made a list of 50 things that I equate to satisfaction for me.  Out of the 50, 13 are true today - 26%.  That's not very good.  I am not aiming for 100% (that would be crazy), but over 50 would be good. Here's my list...

Life satisfaction inventory

1.    I have at least one intimate friend with whom I speak openly and often.
2.    I am satisfied with my love life.
3.    I have an active and satisfying sex life.
4.    I work out regularly (3+ x per week).
5.    I do yoga for at least 1 hour per week.
6.    I am satisfied with my level of social interaction.
7.    I feel that I am part of a community.
8.    I cook healthy meals for myself most days.
9.    I take long walks at least weekly.
10.    I weigh 140lbs or less.
11.    I have 3 months salary in savings.
12.    I put money into my IRA monthly.
13.    I feel that I will have enough money when I retire.
14.    My finances are organized and I spend no more than I make.
15.    I don’t carry a balance on credit cards.
16.    I can afford all of my monthly payments and still have money left.
17.    My salary is $100K+ annually.
18.    I read every day.
19.    I am enrolled in a class to develop my mind or my skills.
20.    I write morning pages at least 5x per week.
21.    I work on writing projects daily.
22.    I have enough time to explore photography and visual art.
23.    My houseplants are healthy.
24.    I meditate on a regular basis.
25.    I find my work challenging and rewarding.
26.    The work I do is something I am proud of.
27.    I am making my money doing something I love.
28.    I want to get out of bed in the morning.
29.    Leisure time is enjoyable.
30.    My income is stable and secure.
31.    My writing is published to the level I desire.
32.    I have up-to-date graphic design skills and portfolio.
33.    I go look at visual art at least once a month.
34.    I am actively learning new photography techniques.
35.    I create visual art that I am proud of.
36.    My health is optimized.
37.    I respect the people I work with.
38.    My dishes are clean.
39.    My home is uncluttered.
40.    My laundry is clean and put away.
41.    I am satisfied with my wardrobe.
42.    My things are organized.
43.    My floors and surfaces are clean.
44.    My bathroom is clean.
45.    I have at least one healthy pet.
46.    I have as many things as I need, and no more.
47.    I am satisfied with my family relationships.
48.    I travel yearly.
49.    My to-do list is up-to-date
50.    My email box is empty.

is throwing me off on unexpected trajectories lately.  I diligently put it back on track, whatever that is.  How do I even know that my resistance to chaos is sending me in any particular direction? I just take a guess, based on what I want or what I believe I want. Decisions are made, and I have yet to seriously regret any choice I have made - even if the result of the decision was not what I wanted or expected.  I'm being cryptic.  In the past month I have made at least 3 major decisions that will shape my life significantly... or rather NOT shape it.  I am keeping it close to what has now become my status quo.  Is that a good thing?  Only time will tell.  At this point I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing.  But does anyone, ever, really?

In other news, I finally got all the bits I needed to set up my projector and Big Screen.  Last night Aunt Rosie and I watched the Holy Grail and tonight I plan to watch Inland Empire.  Rosie and I also went to Sitka and Spruce, a fancy little bistro I have been hearing good things about from my foody friends.  It is tiny and located in a strip mall between Subway and a Pho place.  The location is either ironically hip or just odd.  They can only fit about 10 people in at a time and every dish is individually and sequentially prepared.  We had the Salmon, Guinea Fowl, and a Scallop.  Twas indeed good.

Spring has arrived!  It may only last one day, so I am going to do my best to soak it up.  Along with all the other sun-deprived Seattle-ites I will be in a park with a book, showing off my pasty legs.  But first I must do some dishes.  My most procrastinated chore.

I feel I have been neglecting my blog-reading and writing lately, but I guess that means I have more going on in "real" life.  I'm still here, though.  Just a bit less often.

Songs and long reflective essays forthcoming... after Spring goes back to damp and chilly.

My neck still hurts.  I am going to a chiropractor for the first time on Monday morning.  I have to think about getting my own health insurance again, which kind of sucks.  The price of freedom, I suppose.  Also quite good timing that I just got new glasses and am about to have the last major dental procedure for the foreseeable future.  Of course, I got a notice that my rent is going up by nearly $100 the same day I was fired.  It feels strange to call it "fired" when it was really such a thoughtful procedure.  Tomorrow I will be eating.  Brunch with aunt Rosie (hmmm... Cafe Septieme?), and dinner with W. at the incomparable Kingfish Cafe. Ah, food, how I desire thee....

I am working up to a "health kick" of some kind.  The donuts and cupcakes are out of hand.  The pizza is getting ridiculous.  I should start making soup.  I have to act like I'm poor.  Which I kind of am, now that my fat paycheck is about to expire.  At least I have plenty to read.