3 posts tagged “debt”

It's a beautiful day - sunny and 72.  Just about perfect.  I'm glad I can enjoy this because I can't do much else.  How did I become so broke?  My checking account is overdrawn and I don't get paid for a week.  I am going to try to survive without touching my credit cards, which means eating only what is in my house (luckily, there are plenty of fresh fruits and veggies from my Weds delivery, and cupboards full of rice, lentils, etc.)  I will live, but it means spending absolutely no money for a week.  I don't know when that last happened.  It certainly simplifies things.  If it's not free, I can't do it.

Spring cleaning is free.  Running is free.  Friday night yoga is paid in advance.  Making an apple crisp from the pile of granny smiths on my table is also paid in advance.  Watching my Netflix feels free, as does reading the many books in my reading pile. Baths are free.  Long walks are free.  Writing is free.

So, I guess we know what I'm doing this weekend.

I don't do Spring cleaning like I don't do New Years resolutions.  If one wants to clean behind the fridge or quit smoking, do it on October 4!  Why not!

Due to a lack of coordinated effort toward heavy cleaning and a general disinclination to clean at all... I haven't really had a good housecleaning... Um, I'm not sure when actually.  I clean up when I move.  I clean some areas on occasion and then proceed to mess them up again in short order.

On January 1 I quit drinking alcohol.  This could be looked on as a resolution of sorts, but it's really more of a major lifestyle change.  So why not try Spring Cleaning this year too?  Another major lifestyle change perhaps.  I've made a list and plan to start as soon as I finish writing my final essay for my undergraduate career at the UW on Saturday.  I plan to finish the Spring cleaning list as well as a weeklong detox sometime before I go to the hot springs on the 27th.  I am generally a lazy and weak-willed person, but when I decide to do something I DO IT. We'll see if I come back moaning and making excuses at the end of April.

I have been thinking quite hard about my lifestyle and my values lately and the ways they don't exactly sync up in many ways.  I am taking a hard line with my finances and coming to terms with just how much I have over-spent on nothing. I don't regret any of my travels, although they were not necessarily fiscally wise, but I do regret how I have learned to spend to try to make myself feel better.  Very few of the shoes and clothes and cds and nights out have turned out to be worth the price, especially the price I end up paying for carrying a balance on my credit cards.

I am going to make a difficult and humiliating admission.  My credit card debt is nearly $30K and I honestly can't think of more than a couple of things I have to show for it.  A nice bed... Yeah, that's about it.  I was about to launch into my usual rationalization but why bother.  There's nothing wrong with me that isn't wrong with many others.  We get sucked into the lifestyle that costs just slightly more than what we make.  My checking account is currently overdrawn and I am making about twice as much as I ever have before.  I always spend just slightly more than I make. So, another major lifestyle change.  I'm going to start acting like I only make half as much as I do and get out of debt.  It means no lifestyle upgrades or  world travel.  It means cooking  for myself and bringing my lunch.  It means skimping on Christmas gifts and wearing the same clothes for another year.  It means simplifying.

It's hard to give up bad habits, but somebody's gotta do it.

Or, simply, my debt.

I'm up to my lately-unplucked eyebrows in debt.  For the first time in probably five years I added it up, and, believe me, you don't want to know.  I didn't want to know, which is why I've avoided it for so long.  I send my payments every month.  I don't use credit cards unless I really have to, for rent, or airfare to Spain, or unexpected car repairs, etc. So I am doing what I can, sort of.

I have a good job. I'm finally making a decent salary, but for the next two years I am going to be just as poor as always have been.  I'm on a debt reduction diet, and that means monthly payments adding up to around half of my take-home pay. It also means being poor.

This of course means I have to keep up a certain income level, which is in no way a given.  As long as I stay in my current job or related field (multimedia or interactive project management) I will probably do OK.  If I decide (or am forced) to change paths, it could be a totally different story.

I like to try to convince myself that this is not my fault.  Life circumstances have forced me to rack up debt in times of crisis.  When I thought my mom was about to die, I had to pay for the airfare to go see her.  Likewise, when I knew my dad was about to die I needed to say goodbye.  I'm glad I did, in both cases.  Last summer, when I was on half-pay, I had to pay rent.  I had to eat... but maybe I didn't have to eat sushi twice a week or go through 4 bottles of wine per week. Maybe it was unwise to spend 10 days in Paris when I split up with my husband... and then go to the UK the following year... and then Spain.  I really could not afford these trips, but I went anyway.  Because I felt like I had to.  To become more myself?

I don't regret any of that travel.  Experiences make life.

And now I have to pay.  I may not be able to leave the country (or the state for that matter) for a couple of years unless I have some sort of financial windfall, but I am going to get this to a manageable level.  I have to.  There's just too much anxiety with this kind of debt.