8 posts tagged “dating”
The company I work for makes videos for interactive demos, among other things. We mostly create what is known as "lifestyle" footage - people going about their daily business at home or at work - for a couple of huge software companies. When in the creative stage of planning the video, we often use the term "aspirational" (which, incidentally, is not a real word... it will be soon, though). As a general rule we are encouraged to depict a lifestyle that is slightly beyond the grasp of the audience. In the past month we have shot footage in two multi-million-dollar homes. I wonder what percentage of viewers will ever live in a $2 million + house. Not a very large one I would guess. So is it really "aspirational" or is it merely unrealistic?
The idea behind all this is that people don't really want things per se, they want the lifestyle implied by owning the things. Everyone wants an iPhone because they are fucking cool, but that's just it. It's the coolness that we're shopping for, not so much the object itself. The desire to attain this attractive lifestyle is far stronger than the desire for a new operating system, or whatever.
Sitting on the set, the real people - the crew - outnumber the cast by far. Look at us, slouching in our chairs with unwashed hair and ill-fitting clothes and problems connecting to the wireless network. We lack the poise of these creations before us. The actors are powdered and smoothed constantly to maintain the proper sheen. Their environment is stylish and clean, and their clothes are always brand new (the wardrobe person will attempt to return them after the shoot). It is this un-reality that appeals to people.
But of course the actors are real, too. Our leading lady for the current 3-day shoot is a dating coach in real life. Yeah, a dating coach. She drives a VW beetle with advertisements for her dating service adorning the doors. My boss is never one to miss an opportunity for embarassment, and yesterday he announced to the actor/ dating coach, "We need to find someone for Kitty!" No, we don't, I responded aloud. She immediately turned and apprised me - and I became all too aware of the fact that she is a tiny, gorgeous woman with a professional hair and makeup job... and I'm not. I haven't bothered to wash my hair or put on makeup for days. She offered to give me a couple of free dates. I had never even considered the option of paying for a date, but with her that's how it works. She claims they have some good ones in my age range... Whatever that means.
Would I want to go on a date with the kind of person who hires a professional dating service? I somehow doubt it. But today at lunch she mentioned it at lunch, and then proceeded to ask me what my issues are. I have no issues, I told her. Right.
I'm supposed to want this. The attractive husband, the adorable children, the 3-million dollar house. Of course there's a kernel of truth in that construction, but I find that real life with all of its ugliness is so much more interesting than the aspirational version.
For about 5 minutes I decided to start dating again. I'd given up at the beginning of the year to give myself some time to adjust to my new lifestyle as a non-drinker before trying to deal with socially awkward situations. All dates are socially awkward situations for me. Historically, the best dates have been the ones that involve getting about 2/3 of a bottle of wine into me. That's the point when anyone starts to seem fun and increasingly attractive.
A couple of weeks ago I finally started feeling brave enough to meet new people and find out what happens when two people drink coffee together.
I had two dates, compiled a new batch of email from potential candidates, and then quit. Why? Was it really so terrible? No, it was not terrible at all.
I wanted to answer last week's QOTW about my worst date ever... but I realized that I have never had a horrific date. I've had some dull ones, some awkward ones, some nights I wouldn't repeat, but nothing really shockingly bad. I have a fairly effective screening process, I guess. I might have some correspondence with lunatics, but I've never had a date with one.
First date out of the gate was really pretty good. Coffee on a sunny Sunday morning, an hour and a half of agreeable conversation. At the end he took my hand in his affectionately and gave me a meaningful look. It's nice to get that reassurance of attractiveness, and I went away feeling pretty certain I would end up having at least a fling with him. The second date was less promising (too much nerd-talk and apparent emotional instability), and when he said goodbye he said, "see you around online!" Ok, scratch that one off the list.
When I got an email from date #1 a few days later I saw the message notification come up and realized that my instinctive reaction was not excitement to see him again, but dread. His message sat for a couple of days while I put off responding. Why was I feeling more stressed than happy about this? Why did it feel like a hassle?
Maybe it has something to do with the stack of unanswered emails from other potential dates, some of them very long and thoughtful, that I have not been able to bring myself to answer. I have not been honest with myself. The fact is, I don't want a boyfriend at all.
After 10 years in an emotionally exhausting relationship, I need some time to really be selfish and not try to please anyone else. I thought two years might be enough time, but clearly it isn't. I don't have room in my life for someone else right now. If dating feels like a hassle it isn't going to be fun, and it is unfair for me to let my dates think it could become something when I just want to be by myself for a while longer. I have to be selfish, and this kind of selfishness is not fair to others. My hope is that by taking care of me and me alone for a while I will actually have better relationships in the future. I will know when I'm ready. Clearly not yet.
Date #1 was irked when I honestly let him off the hook. He "frankly wished" I had come to my revelation earlier. I guess our coffee date was more meaningful for him than I had realized. Or maybe he's disappointed this isn't leading to sex. In any case, his tone shifted dramatically from affectionate to slightly pissed off. Oh well.
This is for the "dating" sequence...
Aluminum Group: Impress Me
I just cleaned out my personal email accounts, and in doing so created a "dating" folder for messages from the men I have gone out with or at least exchanged emails with over the last two years. I did not include emails from those who started as dates but graduated to another category (like "friend"). Still there are 284 emails in there and in about 80% of the cases I don't remember:
a) If I ever met this person, or
b) if so, what he looks like or anything else about the date.
It stands to reason that I've decided to take an extended break. What a lot of pointless work.
On the other hand, I have received 642 emails from my ex-husband in the same time period. I'm not sure what that means.
http://www.datingclass.com/
My friend stumbled upon this while he was looking for something else (supposedly). Anyway, I suggest reading all of it. It's top notch stuff. Especially the part about starting a brawl to get rid of her boyfriend.
Are men really this confused??
I recently read a locked post from an "online" friend on another blog site detailing his "type" for dating down to preferred size and softness of skin. I thought this would be an interesting exercise for me, since I tend to be the sort of person who knows what I don't want, but who has a hard time pinpointing what I want (and this applies to everything, not just relationships). So here goes. I'd be interested to hear if anyone wants to share their "type." These are not requirements, but the subtler qualities that feed into attraction...
Experience required. I relate to people who have some life experience. I've been through a lot in my family life, including marriage and divorce. I've traveled abroad on my own. Ive created a career for myself. I think that there is a deeper connection to life that comes only through experience, and although people who live in their safety zone can be perfectly lovely, I will probably never have more than a superficial relationship with them.
Acute absurdist. I have a weird sense of humor, probably from watching Monty Python starting at the age of six. The absurder the sense of humor the more likely I am to fall into one of my uncontrollable laughing fits, which I consider to be integral to a good relationship. Someone who might find a photo of a llama with no caption deeply humorous would be ideal for me.
Someone who does something. Maybe he hates his job, but makes brilliant art. Maybe he is in love with his career as a scientist or programmer or architect or teacher or whatever. Maybe he goes on a yearly trek in the Andes. Maybe he takes beautiful photos. Maybe he restores old furniture in the garage. I'm not picky, so long as he is engaged in something besides the vicious cycle of work, eat, sleep, watch tv, get drunk, and eventually die.
Tall, dark, and handsome. I'm attracted to eyes that reveal intelligence and warmth. Body language that reveals not only self-confidence but also vulnerability. I prefer men to be taller than me, and I'm not short, so over 6'0" is definitely a foot in the door. For no particular reason I've always liked dark hair better than blonde. I'm definitely attracted to healthy, fit people - but not overly so. I don't need to see every muscle and tendon to know they are there. He should be willing and able to walk five miles at the drop of a hat. Kayaking and cycling skills are a plus. All other physical characteristics are negotiable.
The closet intellectual. I'm pretty darned intelligent if I don't say so myself, so I'm not likely to mate up with the more vapid of the male species. I don't mind the snobby intelligensia as friends, but I probably couldn't date one. I prefer someone super smart but who doesn't wear his intellect on his sleeve. I prefer someone who reads and thinks and likes to go to the odd foreign film. I like someone who is smarter than me about some things, but less smart about others and who is willing to have a friendly debate now and then without making it personal.
The thinking liberal. I don't date republicans. On the other hand I have no interest in talking to someone who believes everything Barack Obama says just because Barack Obama said it. Same goes for Ralph Nader. I like someone who realizes when he doesn't fully understand an issue and won't just spout opinion without basis in fact. I prefer someone who understands the vast complexity of global issues and will not jump to half-cocked conclusions. Again, a friendly debate now and then is only healthy, but I'm not going to get involved with someone who violently disagrees with me politically.
Communications specialist. This does not refer to an employee of a telecommunications megacorporation, and in fact may preclude them. Conversation is important, and having good conversation is akin to having good sex in my book. Both are ways to build intimacy and develop a give and take that makes a relationship strong. He must be able to listen, process, and respond. He must be able to express and explain, cajole and console. He must write and speak with acuity and a command of the language.
A Dreamer and a Wanderer. I want someone who reaches for what seems out of reach, and someone who can find adventure practically anywhere. I love to travel, and I plan to do a lot more of it, so I want to be someone who feels at home in strange locales and is willing to wander aimlessly in foreign cities until we are so lost we finally have to pull out the map. I want someone with an imagination who might dream up designs for a solar-powered home and actually follow through with them.
Non-fatal attraction. I want someone who wants me. There's nothing more attractive than someone who is deeply attracted to me with an attraction that includes but goes far beyond the physical. This is about that mysterious "chemistry" - the secret ingredient that makes people fall for each other.
Stable Mabel. My life has been awash in mental illness, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. Now I am looking for relationships grounded in reality and sanity - a safe place for both of us. At the same time 100% sanity turns me off. He has to be a little bit nuts. Just a little.
As you may recall from my "pre-valentine date" post, I have recently been faced with the 'how to tell him I'm not interested' conundrum. Yesterday I responded to his thanks-for-the-date email with a gentle explanation of where I stand, including the classic "I really need time for myself right now."
While I was at it, I sent a similar brush-off note to someone else I've been out with a few times but don't really feel "it" for. I decided to wipe the plate clean so to speak. It's only fair to let them know where I stand. I was pleasantly surprised by the responses from both. And I thought this (from pre-val date) was especially sweet:
"Hey, maybe you don't hear this enough right now, but you are pretty remarkable. One of my very best friends is a girl I went to a Woody Allen movie with when I was 16. Afterward, we kissed in the car, looked at each other and said "lets just be friends." And we still are. Take some time for yoga and adjustment. I'll send the occasional ping to see if you are ready to come out & play. "
Oddly, dating is how I seem to make new friends. Hmm.
I accepted a date for the day before Valentine's Day (as in last night). Normally I stay away from casual dates anytime near "significant" days or holidays, but in this case when he said "next Tuesday" I failed to do the math. I was thinking about making excuses and cancelling, not so much because of the timing, but because I've already met this guy once and I know it's a dead-end street.
But I didn't cancel. He's not such a bad guy, and I didn't feel up to doing the "you're nice, but..." routine. So I showed up at the appointed place at the appointed time (8:00) and waited. And waited. My phone had died and was home on the charger, so not only could I not call him, but I had no way to check the time. I was sure he would show up, he'd emailed to confirm twice in the past 24 hours.
I have never been stood up. As I was sitting there waiting the thought, "I'm being stood up the day before Valentine's day by someone I don't even like much," passed through my head more than once. After an eternity passed I considered paying for my Dry soda and leaving, but I decided I may as well eat and ordered some food.
At 8:30 he walked in. He was confused about the time, and extremely apologetic. He surely saw the icy flames in my eyes when I said, "we said 8:00." I have email to prove it.
I forgave. We ate. The conversation was pleasant enough, and we kept the awkward silences at bay. Toward the end of the meal he asked if he can ask me out again. I knew the answer was no, but I said, "sure." Why why why do I do that?
The problem is, I don't know how to let men know when I'm not interested. I also don't know how to let them know when I AM interested. Sadly, though, it has been a long time since I've had to worry about the latter.
We split the bill. I don't ever expect the man to pay, but I would think he might be feeling a bit more gracious after forgetting the time of the date!
