Deprivation

When I quit drinking it was a simple exercise: I can do what I like as long as it isn't alcohol (or drugs).  I'm good at self-imposed deprivation and quitting drinking was not really a problem.

It took a couple of months after I quit drinking for me to start looking at the things that I drank to avoid thinking about.  Getting my financial situation in order has been much more painful than quitting drinking, and I can't really say that it is in order, but I have discovered that this is another exercise in deprivation.  If I spend my paycheck on whatever strikes my fancy I will never get to a place where I feel financially solid.  I'm on a plan now, to pay off my debt and get a 6-month cushion in my bank account.  Then I can start investing, traveling, buying cars and houses.  This will take at least 5 years if my financial situation does not change.  Monetarily speaking, those are the things I want, and not necessarily new jeans or coffee & pastries.  If I keep my mind on my priorities and what I really want out of life, it doesn't feel like deprivation.

Part of this plan is putting myself on a cash allowance.  It seems ridiculous, but if I use my debit card there's no way I will keep track of how much I'm spending.  I've had enough overdraft fees to know this is true.  So each week I get $xxx in cash, and I am frankly amazed on how fast it disappears.  On what? Groceries, lunch, coffee & pastries, an occasional book or CD, dinner... that's about it.  I don't have anything left to save up for trips or shoes or other things I want to buy now.  So this naturally leads me to ask: what can I live without?

I'm an emotional shopper.  I buy things, including scones, to make myself feel better.  Two of the things I buy in almost humorous quantities are lipstick and pens.  It's not like I'm obsessively out shopping for lipstick or pens every day, or even every month, but I pick them up here and there.  I'm always looking for the right lipstick or the perfect pen, and I never seem to be quite satisfied.  I have a small drawer for pens and last time I cleaned out my bags (another item I tend to buy repeatedly, looking for the right one) the pen drawer became too full to close.  I'm guessing there are at least 100 pens in there. 

I'm also an emotional grocery shopper.  Cheese, chocolate, $5 Olive Bread, organic avocados, overpriced cookies with no hydrogenated oils, $15/lb wild caught salmon:  these are all comfort foods and all things I can probably do without if I have to.  Since I have quit drinking I have relied heavily on treats to compensate. Chocolate cake. Creme brulee. Cherry almond scones and an Americano for breakfast.  If I have the money in my wallet I will buy these things.  I don't feel guilty about this, nor do I think I should stop having these things, but I do think I should stop using food for emotional support on a daily basis.  Now and then, sure, have some ice cream to make up for a bad day/ year/ life.  Just not every day.  I need to be getting some other kind of satisfaction out of my life.  Food should be for nourishment and for pleasure, but not for therapy, and certainly not the only thing that gives me joy.

I'm fasting this week to try to break myself out of my comfort food addiction. I'm also giving my body a chance to detox a bit more.  It's surprising how much detoxing there is to do after 15 years of regular alcohol intake.  Yesterday I had only water with lemon.  Today I add fruit juice and herbal tea, tomorrow I add fresh fruit, and the next day I add steamed rice and steamed vegetables, and I will stick with that until the end of the week.  Fasting is grueling, but it feels great afterward.  All the sluggishness that comes with processing rich foods disappears, and the mind becomes much more clear and focused.

Deprivation is no fun, but when the long-term reward is greater than immediate gratification it is well worth the effort.