three rights make a left

from an undead french prostitute. trick? or treat?

Happy_halloween

yays:

• I received free pizza (and salad) delivered to my door last night for being a "super customer" - which undoubtedly means I've spent something like $1,000 on pizza from Pagliacci since I've lived here. But anyway. Free pizza!
• Coming to terms with my doubts about this business venture I'm undertaking. Not getting over them, but honestly dealing with them.
• Although I did not get immediate contract work, it is clear that I've still "got it" and the work is starting to flow again, which means I may be able to sustain my urban bachelor(ette) standard of living and not move to a goat farm in sweden. Maybe.
• Dark (almost black) hair again for the seasonal hair shift.
• Last week: Barbara Ehrenreich and Rachel Grimes on consecutive nights.
• Fasting today means not having to deal with food prep.
  
• Workouts at homebody's secret gym! (It's not really secret, it is in her condo building, but compared to 24-hr fitness, it's secret).
• Reading Bend Sinister by Nabokov for the first time. Poetic absurdism? It's wonderous.
• The magic of Xanax.

• M-F-ing UTI.... again. Cranberries are my friends.
• Really don't feel like doing much of anything, so I'm spending too much time just sort of treading water.
• Defaulting on a couple of credit cards. Not really my idea.
• The idea of "work" for money still makes me feel a little filthy.
• I'm never going to lose weight at this rate. Step up my game? Or buy new pants?
  

• Unemployment running out
• Lost or broken glasses
• Animal health issues
• Fruitless job hunting
• Elaborate cocktails (or sometimes elaborate beers or wines)
  
• Laundry
• Startups
• Looking for love (in all the wrong places)
• Deciding not to go to concerts or events
• But then occasionally going anyway
• Influenza
• Sick kids
• Insomnia
• iPhone apps
• Moving
• Tea
• Mad Men
• Where the Wild Things Are
• Poop
• Buddhism
• Various Googly things
• Your Mom
• The weather!
  
• Disliking work and co-workers
• Illiterate kittehs
• Yoga
• Various injuries
• Photography
• Breaking up
• Overseas travel
• Hotel rooms
• Things that are "meant" to be or not to be (that is the question)
• Stacks of books
• Ikea furniture, and in fact Ikea in general
• Not getting adequate exercise
• Baseball
• Homeless people
• Facebook's latest kerfuffle
• How annoying it is that everyone is paying attention to "balloon boy" and his weird family and/or Jon and/or Kate and/or 8.
• Being bored
• Taking the bus
• Food
  

I like Barbara Ehrenreich. A lot. I have always enjoyed reading her ever since I picked up Bait and Switch a few years ago. And I have to admit - as someone who has a violent allergic reaction to The Secret - I am quite tickled by her new book: Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking has Undermined America.

She started her talk at the Seattle Public Library last night with a disclaimer: she is not pro-misery. In fact, one of her previous books focuses on the value of joy in society. She's not on a crusade against happiness, she is on a crusade against delusion. Because when delusion replaces realism on a large scale, bad things happen. Very bad things. Like complete economic meltdowns.

She starts with a personal story. 8 years ago, she was treated for breast cancer, and she was angry. She was angry because this disease is so prevalent and yet we don't know what causes it. (As a first-world disease it has environmental causes, but who is funding research to discover and eliminate those toxins?) She was angry because she had to fight with her insurance company to get coverage. (Health care reform, anyone?) She was angry because chemotherapy is the only option for treatment that sort of works, and it's fucking poison. (Did you know that anyone who survives chemo is at much higher risk for developing other cancers, because chemo is full of carcinogenic toxins?) And she was a bit irked by all the pink ribbons. Not all women like pink stuff.

Her anger was met by the sisterhood of survivors with a cry of: "change your attitude, or else." The popular myth in that community is that only people who think positive get better. If you're angry or depressed because you have a potentially terminal disease, you are apparently at fault if you die from it. Because of your attitude.

After doing a good deal of research (she happens to have a PhD in cellular biology) and surviving herself (despite never once thinking of the disease as a "gift"), she can assure us that this is not the case. And she has heard from a lot of other women with breast cancer who are relieved to finally hear this perspective. Not to mention oncology nurses who are beginning to take a stand against this kind of pink-fuzzy victim blaming.

The only way we are going to cure humanity's ills is by recognizing them as ills and NOT gifts. And then coming together to figure out how to fix them.

The economic collapse way brought to us by positive thinking. Real Estate Value Will Never Fall. Oh, really? Was that ever a realistic thing to think? I Got This Great Mortgage Because I Deserve It And I Will Never Get Laid Off? Ha. I'm glad I rent. The Stock Market Is Real, And Cannot Fail. The stock market, my dear ones... is IMAGINARY. What is real can usually be perceived by the senses. The stock market assigns value to the concept of potential future value. Concepts are very fickle and don't have a family to feed, so I would not trust them.

I am over my head in credit card debt not because I am irresponsible, but because I really believed I would continue to make enough money to pay them off. Optimism. I was wrong, because I did not have all the information. I did not foresee two layoffs in two years (or 3 in 10 for that matter). Now I know better. The mists are beginning to clear for me, and I won't do it again, or at least not in the same way.

I haven't read the book yet, but I am especially looking forward to her analysis of The Secret. That particular kind of magical thinking is somewhat confusing because it sometimes appears to be working. It is in fact true that you are more likely to "manifest" something if you have a clear grasp of what it is. But that isn't any kind of secret, that's just plain old fashioned planning.

Tonight I'm going to see a movie. The one from the previous post, Teenage Dirtbag. Watching the trailer was a bit weird, because the settings are still so familiar, even though this was filmed many years after I went to high school everything looks almost exactly the same. It's playing at Central Cinema, which means beer, wine, and food while I watch. Well, beer OR wine, not both. I haven't been out to a movie since District 9. Which is really not all that long ago.

I'm a matchmaker. I introduced two friends a month or so ago, and next thing I know they are happily dating. I'm very glad for them, but I can't help feel a bit odd about it. Odd because I did not really consider "setting them up." I just sort of did it. And now if things don't work out I am awkwardly in the middle. Let's hope it works out.

I cooked dinner for my ex-husband last night. I like my ex-husband. We get on well, especially considering we divorced each other, but I am still quite glad we divorced each other. I made a yummy potato-leek-spinach soup.

Apartment Therapy time again. Starting next week I'm doing another 8-week apartment cleansing. Hoping to get rid of a lot of stuff. I've recently become even more willing to let go of things as I consider the possibility that I may need to downsize my living situation.

I am re-reorganizing my memoir. I'm also getting much better at actually writing it. It's a complete mess right now, but I feel like I'm getting it on track. Slowly but surely.

I met Dave Eggers. I worked serving fancy toasts at the 826 Seattle Where the Wild Things Are VIP reception on Wednesday. I have been a fan for many years, but I wasn't going to make a point of talking to him. I didn't have anything I wanted to say, in particular. But he thanked us at the end of the night and chatted for a few moments. Which distracted me from the fact that I had to pee and I ended up having a very uncomfortable walk home after drinking water and mint tea all evening. Otherwise, the evening was kind of boring. But then I usually think parties are boring.

I saw Margaret Atwood. I'm not sure what to think about her new novel. It includes hymns. I guess the problem I have with dystopian novels is that they take certain aspects of what could go wrong (or weird) and explore those things thoroughly (rather than resting on the strengths of plot and character). This novel centers around a cult-like "green" religion. Which maybe is supposed to be a positive thing? But what if there were actually smart people in the future (who aren't oppressed to the point of incapacitation)? I'm just saying... the idea that the idiots must win rubs me the wrong way.

Andrew Wyeth tomorrow. I have to see these paintings at SAM before they go away.

My stomach is off. Although listening to Rick Steves talk about Italian food on NPR is making me hungry. I've been having heartburn every day this week, which just makes everything a little bit unpleasant.

I am going to take a bath now.  And other useless facts about my day.

Teenage Dirtbag was written and directed by someone who grew up in my hometown (Coeur d'Alene, ID), and it is set and filmed in and around my hometown and high school. Eerie! I'm going to see it this weekend at the Central Cinema.

keeping it neutral this time:

• Monday I finally made it to what is now weekly Anagram night with Marie the 91 year old French woman. I've been once before and plan to make it a regular thing. She is half-blind and a little senile, but she still has a better English vocabulary than I do. She lives in a retirement community type thing and complains often about how quiet and devoid of life it is in the halls.
• Finishing up website for The Business, which I can now tell you more about. I will save it for another post. My partner is out of town for a week, but when she gets back we start the dreaded legwork of getting business.
• To celebrate finishing the website we were going to go see the Wyeth painting at SAM, but they are closed Tuesdays so we had drinks at the 4 Seasons instead. I'd never been there... It is located where the parking garage I used to park in for shows at the Showbox was, last I checked. I have a museum pass so I will go see the exhibit this week before it goes away.
• I moved my dresser into my living room. My bedroom is teeny and has always felt crowded, so why not put the large piece of furniture in the big room. I like the new arrangement, though it means the bird now has to watch me get dressed.
  
• The happy hour food at the 4 Seasons has given me the worst heartburn ever. I was up and down all night, stuffing myself with Tums.
• Tonight I'm going to try to see Margaret Atwood read at Town Hall, and then I signed up to help out with the VIP after-party for a Where the Wild Things Are screening to benefit 826 Seattle. I'll be pouring wine for Dave Eggers.
• I've been enjoying my weekly volunteerism at 826 Seattle. I do web updates for them. Decided to stick with this for now and maybe do tutoring once the business is more settled and making money.
• I'm starting to consider moving to a 2-br apartment with a roommate. I like living alone, but besides saving me rent money I think having someone else around might make me feel a bit less isolated and a bit more motivated to wash dishes, etc. I'm sort of waiting for my income to become more predictable to decide for real. But that may not happen anytime soon, so maybe I should just start looking... Oh, change, how I want to resist you.
• I need to schedule my GRE. Sort of reluctant to hand over $150 I don't have so I can have the privilege of taking a standardized test, but I do want to go to grad school, so it must be done. Feh.
• I received my Emergency Unemployment Compensation, so I should be "ok" for another 5 months anyway. I hope to have real income by then, but if I don't there's still a state extension available.
  
• I wonder how the financial aid for grad school will work out. If I can't get the whole ball of wax covered by grants and loans it is pretty much off unless I am making a lot of money by this time next year. One can always hope, I guess.
• This week I think I may be chronically single. I'm pretty sure that's actually a good thing.
• Looks like I'll be going to Idaho for xmas with aunt rosie. Haven't spent a holiday over there for a few years.
  

My mom, being a hippie, used to throw that one at me a lot as a kid. Though it basically invoked eye-rolling at the time (especially when mom was constantly waxing prosaic about her own problems), I think that way of looking at things may have led me toward "solutions-oriented thinking" (to put it in a lofty and somewhat corp-speak term). I love complex problems, because I am naturally inclined to figure out elegant solutions. This is an excellent quality in most professional work. Maybe not so much in interpersonal relationships. Because no person can be "solved"... not even myself.

I might think my problem is simple. I need to lose weight, for instance. Simplest problem in the world... Eat less exercise more. Oh, I could make up more complex solutions, involving low-carb diet plans and personal trainers, but the fact is: Eat less and exercise more will have exactly the same outcome if I do it consistently. But I don't do it consistently. I'm unmotivated, tired, depressed, distracted, anxious, whatever. I woke up too late to run today, I'll run tomorrow. Sometimes when I tell myself that it is true, other times the deferment continues. The simplest solution in the world doesn't work, because I have tried to distill my whole self down to a single issue. And then I hate myself for not being able to solve the simplest problem in the world.

In order for this simple solution to work, other things have to shift too. Motivation, for one. And there is no simple solution for that. Nor is there a complex solution. Motivation comes from that part of the brain that does not respond to reason at all. That's why seemingly infantile reward systems like "if I clean my bathtub I can have sushi" actually work better than rules and standards about home cleanliness or aspirations for a beautiful healthy home. The intellectual and aesthetic aspects of our brains are great at envisioning elegant solutions... but they have no tools for motivation.

That motivated part of the brain tends to become fixated on repeating familiar reward. Sex, food, alcohol, drugs all give instant gratification, but they very rarely lead to any kind of resolution. These can be used medicinally or harmfully, but they cannot alter the present reality. A glass of wine or a pint of ice cream can trick our bodies into a state of satiation. And in my view there's nothing wrong with that. However, medicating a problem does not equal solving it. Unfortunately, that motivational part of the brain does not and cannot know that. You feel bad, it wants to make you feel better, it buys you ice cream. And so we get stuck.

For me, parts of my life have become something like a funny game played with an infant. I have to figure out very immediate systems of reward for behavior changes, or they won't stick. I have to sort of cheer myself on as if I were potty training. It feels ridiculous. What I would rather do is formulate a complex strategy, because that's how I solve things. I'm just finally admitting to myself that it doesn't work.

designated positive

• beautiful fall days, golden evenings
• aromatherapeutic salt scrub
• sleep
• halfway through 30 days of teetotaling
• getting some reading done
• planning a birthday "juicer" for november
• monday night anagrams
• the sounds of kids playing at the school a block away
• fixed itunes library
• living without spending
• saw odd performance/ movement/ music/ film thing with homebody on friday - a nice change of pace
• 2 friends of mine have started seeing each other, which is good yet odd (knowing both parties in a new couple can be a bit involved)
  

• waiting for unemployment extension to arrive
• behind on rent
• too tired to get much done
• constant anxiety
• feelings of hopelessness nipping at my heels
• too much tv for distraction
• judging myself
• my eyes hurt
  

Whatitis

Allowing things to be how they are. Considering the fact that there is no other choice, it is surprisingly difficult to do this. My mind wants to figure things out. How can I fix everything RIGHT NOW. Um, I can't. At this moment, reality is precisely what it is. No amount of wishing or trying or calculating or turning my head to a certain angle will make one iota of difference to the present reality.

I feel like there's something missing. Some feeling I had once. There isn't. My life is complete, 100% full, absolutely perfectly full... of this. Just this. This is it.

And yet, one moment passes and Everything Changes. Oh, it may not really. The same thoughts come back... the external circumstances probably haven't changed much unless there was in that moment some huge Life Changing Event. But that doesn't happen very often (thank goodness). And yet I am one tiny click closer to something, and one tiny click further from something else. From the wide angle view I am closer to death and further from birth... that's pretty much the only given. But everything else in the universe has shifted... in a non-linear way. Nothing stays the same. Ever.

All those things I want to change? Already changing, whether I like it or not. Stagnation is an illusion, and one that we usually perpetuate by clinging to The Way Things Are. And yet the way things are only lasts for one infinitely small frozen flash of NOW. And then things are different. And then more different... and so on.

Decisions are like adjusting the rudder on the white water raft... we try to avoid the big rocks and sometimes that works, but our little rudders are no match for the river.

I don't have everything I WANT right now. Probably, some of the things I want and don't have will come to me if I keep up my rudder adjustments. Probably some won't. Is that OK? Does it matter what my opinion on the matter is? I can let it destroy me, that's up to me. Or I can laugh.

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted." - Mae West